I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
When did we convert life to cartoon?
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Randomize
