She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Randomize
