i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
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