I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
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