whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
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