So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
