I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
