I hate your face
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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