it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Randomize
