Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Randomize
