I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
