you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
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