I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
