I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Randomize
