How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
