There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Randomize
