She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
