"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
they need to just BURY HIM!
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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