ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
