Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
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