i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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