i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize
