Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
