11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
