I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
