I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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