Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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