You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Randomize
