Even the bartender felt bad for me
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
