Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
if i can run in heels then i can drive
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
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