I want to stick my p in your. b.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
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