I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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