Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
