I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
