We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
it's great music for shaving your balls
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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