No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
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