how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
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