Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
