I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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