My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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