so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
