Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
