Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
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