I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
