I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
I'm bleeding and have questions
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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