when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
I want to fling myself into the sun
Randomize
