my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Randomize
