I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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