I think I won the penis lottery.
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Randomize
