I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Is it bad that everytime I read or hear "Woo Hoo" I immediately think of sex because of The Sims?
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Randomize
